JM Gacho Subs
Hi there.
You know, you've got a fair amount of
blood on you there, sir.
Oh.
Huh.
Yeah, it's not even mine.
It was just this...
Never mind.
Hey, listen, I need you to take this
thing off my hands.
It's making someone else's problem.
I mean, I thought my boys were going
to love it, but let me tell you,
man, they will not.
No, it's not a toy.
So, don't ever call it that.
It's a...
It's...
Actually, I don't know exactly what it is.
Besides, it appears to be broken.
See, the drumstick seems to be stuck in
the up position.
You do not want the goddamn drumstick to
come down.
Okay?
Because when it does, I promise you, we
are all fucked to hell.
Okay?
Well, sir, I can't speak for you, but
I don't feel especially fucked to hell.
Infernal son of a whore!
I don't know if every father passes some
secret horror onto his kids, but mine sure
did.
Come on, baby, while the thrill is on.
Come on, baby, let's go have some fun.
Come on, baby...
My name is Hal Shaleborn.
This is me and my twin brother Bill.
Well, this is us before everything.
Bill was the kind of kid that would
say, shake on it, but then pull his
hand back and pretend to slick his hair.
He was older than me by three minutes
and ate most of my mom's placenta, so
that made him my big brother, a role
he took seriously and treated me like shit
whenever he got the chance.
I didn't mean to tell you.
Mom says he hates you because you made
daddy, and now she has to go on
dates.
But I managed to love him anyway, even
if I did sometimes fantasize about being an
only child.
I hate you, Bill Shaleborn.
My mom raised us on our own, for
as long as she could at least.
And my mom, well, I can remember her
perfectly, like it was yesterday.
Your father...
well, your father went out for a pack
of cigarettes and never came back.
Just made like an egg and scrambled.
And sure, sure, I could have been one
of his stewardesses, but of course the deadbeat
never took me anywhere.
Just brought back Swiss cuckoo clocks and bonsai
trees, knickknacks and souvenirs to stuff our closets
full.
And one day, my darling boys, all that
horse shit will be yours.
We know my mom thought it was a
bunch of junk, but for Bill and me,
dad's closet was full of clues to who
he was.
There she is.
Old deadbeats disguise.
What the hell is
that thing from?
Paris, France or something?
It says organ grinder monkey.
Like life.
Life?
You mean life like dumb shit?
Oh.
What?
Hey, give me that thing.
Here.
You think this does junk if I turn
this?
Don't Bill, it's dad's.
Dad's gone, fuckface.
And I'm his next of skin, so legally,
everything in here's mine.
Stupid thing's broken anyway.
Don't come in our room, dumb shit.
Shotgun, obviously.
Christ, what's worse than a blind date?
I'd rather take my chances and kiss a
goddamn frog and see what happens.
Okay, boys, no soda after you brush your
teeth, and no fires, and no video games
because of the last fire.
I tried to tell him no fires, but
these boys are nothing but willish.
Thank you, babysitter Annie.
I'll be home by midnight.
Okay, boys, got only one roll for tonight.
Keep your hands off the hot parts of
the table, okay?
I'll try, but just a man.
Oh, Bill, knock it off.
Oh,
shit.
Oh, shit.
Maybe an experience like that could have brought
me and Bill closer, but it turned out
one freak tragedy wasn't going to be nearly
enough.
How is her head still together?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah, today we're here with Annie Wilkes,
gone by accident.
Rather, in an accident, because, you know, there's
no accidents.
Is there a divine plan?
Sure, you know, maybe.
Call it a coin toss, you know, heads
or tails.
But not Annie's head, because that is separate.
That's a separate issue.
You know, why her, though, right?
Why Annie?
Why not you?
Or you?
Everything for a reason, yeah, totally.
And it is what it is.
It is what it is.
The word of the Lord.
Everything is an accident.
Or nothing is an accident, either way.
Same thing.
It's not if or even how.
It's only when.
Everybody dies.
And that's why...
I'll die.
And you will both die.
And all of your friends and their parents
and all of their pets and everybody.
Some of us peacefully in our sleep.
And some of us horribly, violently, tied up
with clothesline and screaming through duct tape over
our mouths and all that jazz.
And hell with it.
Come on, let's go dancing.
I'm gonna shake it out.
Gonna burn it up.
For tonight.
It might have been on the day of
a funeral, but that probably was the happiest
day of my life.
It's funny how quickly that can change.
Hey, kid.
Your brother says your dad left your mom
lit out to Paris, France to buy cigarettes
because you're a big fat baby who cried
all the time.
And, man, don't you moms deserve better?
I mean, don't she?
Oh, so I guess that means your mom
will be wearing the pants in the house
now, huh?
I think that's how it works, yeah?
Oh, but, see, you're wearing pants.
And two people can't be wearing the pants
in the house at the same time.
So, looks like you got yourself a bit
of a pants problem, kid.
Yeah.
Honey, I'm making PB&J.
Oh, oh, what?
How am I?
Oh, I'm great.
I love slaving over my two sons all
day long.
Yeah?
Why'd you put Dad's weird monkey in our
room?
You know I don't go in there anymore
since I found that stiff sock.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't have anything to do with my
babysitter's head, right?
Like, be like- Yo!
You really got the hots for that thing,
huh?
I-I don't.
It's all good.
You can have it, but all you gotta
do is say you wanna marry it.
I don't wanna marry it.
Say, I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.
I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.
Now say, I wanna suck its banana.
No, Bill.
No.
Say it, or I'll eat the rest of
your placenta, bitch!
I wanna suck its banana.
Alright, we have a deal.
You can have the monkey.
Eat it.
Yo, Mrs. Terrance!
How's Shelburne's jerking his monkey under his desk?
Shut up!
Devil's food!
I don't fucking want any!
Language!
Who talks to their mother like that?
What are you, a sailor in a shipyard?
You.
It's because of you that Deadbeat built this
to me.
You know who I'm talking about, don't you?
That asshole kid who lives in here with
me.
That's Bill.
You wanna know something else?
I wish Bill was dead.
Hey, Mom, you home?
Is dinner ready?
Mom!
Not even making it yet?
What the
fuck?!
The doctors called what happened to my mom
a boomerang aneurysm.
But I was the only one who knew
what it really was.
They said chances of it happening were one
in 44 million.
And that's just another way to say it
has to happen to somebody.
And that's how it works.
You turn the key and the drumsticks go
up.
They come down again when it chooses who
it wants to kill next.
It doesn't take requests.
It kills who it wants when it feels
like it.
And it doesn't owe you an explanation.
It's true what it says on the box.
It's just like life.
Son, perhaps it's best if...
Shut up!
Hey, Mom!
Mom, wake up!
Mom?
Mom, that's a funny joke.
Mom!
You can
keep talking.
You know, your Aunt Ida and your Uncle
Chip...
never wanted kids.
No.
Always just kind of prefer to life where
you sit down and you don't stand up
again until you want to.
Also, we're swingers, but...
Oh, well.
I want you to know...
we're gonna do our very best with you
boys.
It's just that our very best might be...
pretty bad.
The fuck?
I put the pieces in a garbage bag
and made sure it got on the garbage
truck, and I assumed that would be the
end of it.
But after that, Bill and I were never
the same.
I mean, we looked the same because we
were twins, and, well, you know what I
mean.
Aunt Ida and Uncle Chip picked up Bill
and me and moved us to Maine.
And I guess I hoped we'd left the
worst of it behind us.
They say everything can be replaced They say
every distance is not near So I remember
everything Of every man who put me
here You gonna take off your suit, Bill?
If I take it off, then I'll have
to put it back on as soon as
there's another funeral.
But if I don't take it off, then
I won't have to put it back on.
So there won't be any more funerals.
Sleeve tight, you two!
Why the hell'd you bring it?
I didn't.
I chopped it up.
It doesn't look chopped up to me.
I'm telling you, Bill.
It's a bad monkey.
It's a bad magic killer monkey.
Think it could babysit her, Annie?
Maybe.
Probably.
I don't know.
I was gonna marry that girl.
I know you would, Bill.
We should try it on purpose to see
if anyone else we know dies.
No.
No, we shouldn't.
I mean, what if it gets one of
us?
Then I promise to pretend to be sad
when you're dead.
Yeah, me too.
You think it could kill the person who
turns the key or not?
How the hell should I know?
You think Mom turned it?
I'm gonna try it.
Don't, Bill.
It was a hunting accident, but not the
usual kind.
Uncle Chip was trampled by a stampede of
67 wild horses in his sleeping bag on
a camping trip.
I overheard the undertaker say that when they
dumped the body out, it looked like someone
had dropkicked a cherry pie.
I don't mind once that Uncle Chip's gone.
He was kind of an asshole.
I just mind more that I feel pretty
good it wasn't me.
But it's gotta be done, you know?
To keep it away from the people who
might feel really good about using it.
The Nazis and Russians and Iran keys and
whatnot.
We knew that it couldn't be destroyed, so we hoped that we could maybe contain it.
Just get rid of it.
Make it go the fuck away.
And for a long time anyway, it really
seemed like it had.
I haven't seen the monkey since we threw
it down the well, but it feels like
only a matter of time before it comes
back.
This is me today.
I pretty much lost all contact with Bill,
and I'm good with that.
He was kind of an asshole anyway.
I don't have any friends, and I do
my best to stay away from family, for
fear that if the monkey returns, it'll kill
someone close to me.
But staying away from family?
That's easier said than done.
Hey, Dwayne.
Oh, man.
Come in, come in.
Oh, no, it's cool.
I gotta run early today.
I gotta pick up my kid.
Wait, you got a kid?
Shit, man, that sucks.
Does he live with you?
Uh, no.
No, he doesn't, but I get to see
him once a year, so I'm taking him
to horror heaven.
Roller coasters, I guess.
Once a year?
Shit, man, that sucks.
I bet your ex-wife's some type of
mega-bitch, huh?
Huh?
Oh, no, the once-a-year thing, that
was my idea.
Turns out I'm kind of a bad influence,
you know.
Here comes trouble.
Who, you?
It's not like, you know, I beheld a
pale horse, and on it was a pale
rider, and the rider's name was, you know,
Death.
But, uh...
Yeah, there has been some death.
Shit, man, that sucks.
Oh, pal.
Feel that parental energy transferred from you to
me.
Petey's been asking about you more and more,
Hal, and it's breaking our hearts.
About me?
What about me?
Why?
Because you're his father, and he's doing a
family tree school project, and like it or
not, you're one of the branches.
Look, I care about Petey, I do.
Like, I care about him a lot.
Like, a lot, a lot.
Just now, when we were on the couch
together, I took your power.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never said you could
take my power.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Ted has decided to legally adopt Petey.
What?
And once the adoption's finalized, it won't be
necessary for you to see Petey at all.
But you can't just do that.
You can't just do that.
As the leading expert in my field.
Can't I?
Listen, you and Petey have this time, so
just take the week, lock in some nice
memories, and then cleanly cut it off.
Like a vestigial tail.
That's what you want, isn't it?
No, it's not what I want.
I want to spend time with Petey.
It's just, you know, vestigial.
It means something that has become functionless, and
as a result is no longer necessary.
I know what it means, Ted.
I'm sure you do.
I do.
Well, I have your power, so.
Well, I peed in one of your bushes
on the way in, so.
Now, this is the part where I suggest
that we arm wrestle.
What?
Arm wrestle for what?
For all the marbles.
And by marbles, I am, of course, referring
to your little balls.
My...
Hey.
Honey.
Oh, Petey.
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
What are you guys talking about?
I don't know how they eat.
You're mean.
It reminds me of your dad.
Are you talking about the shit-eating grin
or the hairy back and arms?
Do you ever wonder where he is?
Dad, I mean.
Baby, that ain't worth it.
But if you're really looking for an answer,
I'd have to go with either at a
card table or under a hooker.
Oh, Sigmar.
Come on.
Gross.
Hey, Boshams, honey.
You want to drag?
But are you still thinking of selling that
monkey thing to the nut who never leaves
his house?
I mean, have you ever even met this
guy face to face?
Sounds like a real fucking pervert to me.
So, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Is that your family treason?
Gave it away.
Okay.
So, um, brothers, sisters, yes, no?
Uh, no.
No to both?
Yeah, no to neither.
Only child, just like me.
And, uh, what's your mom's name?
Lois.
My mom's name was Lois.
Hey, uh, I'm getting kind of late, darling.
I should get you some dinner, huh?
Only if you want me to, like, survive.
Cool.
Christ.
Hello.
Oh, dumb shit.
Bill.
Can't be the only person who calls you
dumb shit.
How did you know how to reach me,
Bill?
Haven't heard from you in, what, five years?
Haven't seen you in, like, ten?
Nine and eleven, and those are just numbers.
The police gave me yours.
What do you mean, the police?
I have news.
Aunt Ida is no more.
Oh, shit.
Well, I guess she was kind of old.
Was she sick or something?
Well, actually, it seems the old girl was
having somewhat of a, like, a nice young
police woman.
Okay, and?
What?
Someone has to go through her belongings, and
you're the next of kin.
Technically, you're the next of kin, Bill.
And this is my week with Petey, so
no.
You're weak.
That's all you get with your son.
Also, you're weak.
What do you want, Bill?
Go to Aunt Ida's house and make sure
it isn't there.
It is at the bottom of a well.
It can teleport, and you know it.
Why don't you bring Petey along?
Let him see you being brave for a
change.
Jesus.
What do fathers and their estranged sons say
to each other?
Road trips.
Why would it be at Aunt Ida's anyway?
Because it attached itself to our family and
likes to kill us.
And I don't want to die, and presumably
you don't want Petey to die either.
What if I find it, huh?
What am I supposed to do, drop it
from a fucking plane?
It'll probably bounce.
No, you never let it out of your
sight again, so no one turns the key.
Presumably you don't want Petey to...
Stop talking about Petey.
The monkey must be vanquished.
Why don't you vanquish it, huh, Bill?
You're smaller.
You go.
Bill, Bill!
Fuck!
Holy fuck!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Fuck!
No!
Petey, wake up, come on.
What?
We gotta go.
Let's go, let's go.
What time is it?
What the fuck?
Hey, language.
And we gotta go, all right?
There was a thing outside.
It wasn't a thing, it was a woman.
And either way, we gotta split, all right?
So come on, let's go.
It's the middle of the night.
Are you high?
No, I wish, Jesus Christ.
No, don't do drugs, I mean it.
But come on, let's go.
Hurry up.
I'm going to bed.
We gotta make like eggs and scrambled!
Hey, Petey, I'm sorry about that.
It's just that my aunt Heidi died, and
I gotta deal with a lot of her
stuff.
Can I ask you a question?
I'd really rather you didn't.
How'd your mom die?
Is this your family tree thing?
Because usually family trees are about the who's
and the when's, not the why's and the,
you know, how's.
Was your aunt the one that raised you
after your mom died?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she did.
Maybe you could take me to your aunt's
house with you.
I could help you with your stuff, and
you could...
You're not coming with me, Petey.
Why not?
Because it's depressing, all right?
We were supposed to go to a theme
park, not into, you know, darkness and death.
I know, but the adoption home.
Oh.
And so you can either just cut me
off and cut this off, or we can
spend the rest of every little time that
we have left together...
together.
I wonder which one Lois would have chosen.
What are you doing in here all alone
now?
Or do I not want to know?
Just thinking, I guess.
Oh, yeah?
About what?
I don't know.
The future.
You got any advice?
Um, well...
take care of your teeth.
And take care of your gut.
And take life as it comes.
You know, the worst thing you can do
is try to force it.
But really, I think that the most important
thing for you to remember is...
be around you.
No!
Petey?
Hey, Petey, buddy?
Petey?
No, there's
a place in town.
They do skydiving lessons.
I feel like it's one of those things
where you're either really good at it or
you aren't.
Only takes one lesson to find out.
Hey, funny.
That's, uh, that's funny.
Yeah?
Well, you're kind of funny too, huh?
Oh, and they do weddings.
Hey, uh, do me a favor.
All right.
Uh, wait in the car while I deal
with this.
What?
No way.
I want to see your old room like
they do in the movies.
No, Petey.
Why not?
Just because...
because I said so.
All right.
Fine.
Then I have to go number two.
What?
Why don't you go to the motel?
There's a lot you don't know about me,
Hal.
For instance, I'm one of those kids that
can only go poo in a house.
Are you being serious?
It's a tough bet to lose, Hal.
Jesus Christ.
Hey.
Hey there.
Sorry.
Oh, window won't go down.
Yeah, okay.
Hey there.
How are you?
Hi, I'm Barbara.
You must be Hal Shelborn.
Your brother Bill Shelborn said you'd be coming.
Oh, yeah, right, right.
Hi, Barbara.
That brother Bill of yours is quite the
character, isn't he?
Yeah.
Your brother Bill, I mean.
Yes, yes.
He's quite the character.
Yeah.
Wow, who's this little slugger?
Oh, this is my son Petey.
Oh, hello there.
Oh, no thanks, Barbara.
I'm just a kid who doesn't buy many
houses.
But I also didn't know that I have
an uncle.
So, yeah, thanks for that.
It's funny, because I actually asked Hal here
if he had any siblings yesterday, but he
flat out lied to my face.
Wow.
But it's cool.
He's only going to be my dad for,
like, a few more days anyway, because he's
being swapped out for a leading expert.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, no card.
Okay.
No card, yeah.
Were you and your aunt very close?
Sure, very.
Is this all her stuff?
I felt like she had more stuff.
Oh, well, we did have that estate sale
the day after she died.
We had a great turnout, too.
Must have made over $100.
Right.
Now, let's see.
That would have been on Sunday, because ever
since Monday, things have been a bit messy
around here.
Yeah, your aunt, of course, was Monday.
And then, oh, Lord, first thing Tuesday, it
was Mitch McDonald.
And then Wednesday was Burt Bergersen.
And then Nancy Rizzoli.
But there aren't any Cobras in Maine, I
mean, are there?
Well, there are.
Well, there was the one.
No, every day since Monday, at least one
Casco local has just poofed.
Sometimes two or three or four or even
five Casco locals have just poofed and poofed
and poofed.
Yeah, yeah, no, I get it.
Can we look at the other closet?
It's this way.
Absolutely, follow me.
Poof.
You're fucking twins?
You know, my mother used to always say
whenever there was a plane crash or a
school bus going off into the river and
mass fatalities or what have you, she used
to always say, looks like God's bowling strikes
tonight.
Oh, that's odd.
I don't remember locking this.
Hey, you wouldn't have to remember if my
aunt had a wind-up toy monkey at
the yard sale.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Oh, not a cherished childhood memory now, was
it?
Oh, a first little furry friend filled with
whimsy and wonder.
No, it's no big deal.
Oh, okay.
Nope, not that one.
How are we doing with that key?
Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head.
Oh, mercy, did I say that out loud?
Watch out.
You are pretty, though.
You know what, I actually think we should
go down and...
Looks like I did my own little process
of elimination.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, everything's fine.
And you were just standing there hands to
yourself, is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
And you knew there was a gun in
the house, or not so much?
No.
All right.
I'm going to have to ask you don't
leave town until we can figure a few
things out.
No, no, no, officer, I promised my son
that I was going to take him to
horror heaven.
Actually, officer, we moved off going to horror
heaven.
This is obviously far more important.
Smart kid.
Find a motel.
I'd say stay here, but it's a goddamn
mess in there.
I mean, have you actually been up there?
It's like that restaurant.
Spaghetti City.
Hey, bud, you want to wait in the
car?
Yeah, that's your favorite thing for me to
do anyway, isn't it?
Just stay away.
Hello?
Yeah, look, we're fine, but
the monkey's not here.
Aunt Ida had a goddamn yard sale, so
it could have been, but now it could
be anywhere with anyone.
Well, that's not good.
Looks bad.
Yeah, there's all kinds of shit happening in
town.
People dying in not normal ways.
Police told me I can't leave.
Go to the motel.
Await my signal.
Await your fucking signal?
Wait, Bill, where are you?
Bill, are you living in town?
Hello?
Shelborn.
Mrs. Monkey?
Hello.
If this is in regards to my ad,
I'm happy to report that my quest for finding my beloved toy, monkey, is over.
Thank you for calling and be safe out there.
At the very moment you slipped from my fingers, I
suddenly knew the terrible truth about everything.
That my dumb shit brother had turned your
key and killed my mom.
So I went back to get you as
soon as I could, but you were gone,
leaving behind a sign for me and only
me, that one day, you'd be back, and
so I waited.
And for the longest time, there was nothing.
100% pure medical-grade nothingness.
There you were.
Suddenly, everywhere I looked, you were there, as
constant as the sun, the moon, and the
stars, as if you had always been looking
down on me, letting me know what I
had always wanted to be true.
That you'd come back to help me seek
my revenge.
I returned to the places where I thought
you might be, foolishly believing that I could
make you appear again, that it was I
who might find you again.
So I made myself ready for your return,
reworking my old childhood funeral suit in anticipation
of, well, more funerals, and so that I
might once again bear witness to your terrible
glory.
Fuck!
So I looked, and behold, a pale horse,
and his name that sat on him was
Death.
I snuck in, and now here we are,
together at last, with only one thing left
to do.
In your infinite wisdom, I trust your flaming
sword of righteousness will cut the foul air
and smite the right person.
And I know you know exactly what I'm
talking about.
Shit, man, that sucks.
What?
Um, uh, it's Ricky.
What is it?
I'm extremely busy.
Okay, yeah, so, I hope this isn't weird,
but I was wondering, you know, if maybe
I could give you your fifteen bucks back,
and instead I could just keep the toy
monkey thing.
It's not a toy, don't ever call it
that.
Right, yeah, no, I thought the same thing,
too.
It just sort of makes me think about
my dad, which I know is kind of
a weird thing for, like, a guy to
say to, like, another guy.
Does it hurt very much when you think,
Ricky?
Uh, uh, uh, well, well.
Did you know that, uh, twenty-seven percent
of all English-speaking people will either say
ho-shit or holy-shit before they die?
Now, it's funny, because death is the one
big thing that'll happen to all of us,
and yet we still can't help but be
somehow surprised by it.
Right on, man.
So, anyways, uh, so, your brother, he looks
like you, but that's like, uh, that's like
your nephew then, huh?
What if Petey turned the key?
So, so, could I have it back?
Never.
I implored you to find the monkey, not
to fall in love with it.
Now, fuck off.
Fuck you, man.
Hey, man, are you home or are you
at the factory?
How's he dead, Pete?
Yo, Mooshot, you got any extra bullets?
What caliber?
You still got some of Barbara's blood on
you?
Nope.
Accidents happen.
Can I ask you a question?
Uh, nope.
You ever killed a man?
Jesus.
Does mom know?
No, I haven't killed anybody.
Of course I haven't killed anybody.
Look, when we get back to the motel,
I'm gonna call your mom, and I'm gonna
tell her what happened.
She'll think I'm not sick to be around,
and she'll be all right.
So, Ted will just adopt me, and you'll
never have to see me again?
Man, you're better off with Ted, all right?
Believe me.
Fuck you, man.
Hey, Pete.
Well, I'm here if you need me.
You just do your thing in the bathroom,
okay?
And, uh, if you wanna have a talk,
we can have a proper talk, all right,
buddy?
Yes?
It's me.
You had it, don't you?
I don't know, maybe.
Come on, Bill, Mrs. Monkey.
I know you are, but what am I?
Stop turning the key.
His arms aren't fucking long enough or articulate
enough to reach back there itself, so somebody
has to.
And also, no.
Jesus fucking Christ, Bill, these are innocent people.
Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't care about me.
All that matters is that Petey is safe,
so stop turning it.
If you want me to stop turning the
key, bring Petey to me so he can
turn it instead.
What?
No, why?
The person who turns the key never dies.
You've known that since we were kids, haven't
you, Al?
What?
What are you talking about?
Where are you, Bill?
If you want Petey to be safe, all
Petey has to do is turn the key,
and keep turning the key forever and ever
and ever, and Petey will never die.
Listen to me, Bill, all right?
Let me get Petey out of here, then
we'll talk, all right?
We'll figure out what we're going to do.
Either I keep turning the key or Petey
turns the key.
Call me back when you've made your decision.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Bill.
Hey, Petey?
Petey?
Hey, Petey?
Hey, buddy, we've got to go, all right?
I've got to take you back to your
mom's.
Petey, open the door, come on.
Petey!
Petey, open the door!
Come on, we've got to go right now!
Jesus Christ.
I don't have a heart attack.
Or do, you know?
If you want out of my life so
bad, it might just be a nice short
cut.
Petey, what the fuck?
Why didn't you answer the door?
I don't care.
Why would you even have a kid if
all you're going to do is just keep
yourself away from me?
I didn't exactly know what I was doing,
all right?
I was just a stupid, dumb kid.
So I was an accident?
Is that what you're saying?
Everything is an accident, yes!
Wow, nice one.
Great to hear.
That's not funny.
Yes, it was an accident, Petey.
But you were not a mistake.
I'm so glad you're here with me.
You're very precious to me.
That's why I stay away, because I...
I come with all sorts of weird baggage,
and I don't want you to have to
deal with that.
Like what?
Like bad stuff, Petey.
Like...
Like evil stuff.
Stuff that I got from my dad, and
I don't want to pass it on to
you.
What are you talking about?
Like what?
Like...
Open up!
It's the motherfucking police!
All right, all right, all right, I...
Shut up!
Shut up and hands up!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, just relax, all right?
Just relax, relax.
Get the keys.
What?
Come on!
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
We're gonna go for a little drive, okay?
Okay.
All right,
all right, stop here.
Where are we?
Huh?
Where are we?
Where's your brother's house?
Where's the fortress?
Don't pretend like you don't know where we
are!
I don't know, all right?
We're...
You know, we're estranged.
Shit, man, that sucks.
Thanks.
Shut up!
Okay.
You!
You go inside, you make nice with your
uncle, you get me the monkey, and you
bring it out, okay?
What monkey?
It's got a little red vest, and it
holds a drum, and I need it.
What does this guy know about a monkey,
and I don't?
He doesn't know about the monkey, and he's
not going in there.
It's a toy monkey?
Don't call it that, all right?
It's not.
It's evil.
It's basically the devil, all right?
It's a toy monkey.
I was gonna tell you when you were
older, okay?
You've been a goddamn deadbeat dad because of
a toy monkey?
What the fuck?
Hey, language, and yes, but that's why we
have to get as far away from this
place as possible.
Seriously, kid, you gotta hope that you get
that goddamn monkey, because I'm gonna shoot this
guy.
All right, just let me go in there
with him, please.
No!
There is a doggy door around back, and
your kid better hope that he's scrawny enough
to fit.
You don't call the cops or do anything.
You get in there, you get me the
monkey, or I swear I'm gonna shoot you
both like a lot of times.
He's not going in there.
Shut up!
All right.
Go.
Hell, this is some fucked up shit.
I know.
So whatever you do, don't turn the key
in the monkey's back.
Okay, okay.
Fuck.
Huh.
Kinda cool, I guess.
You're not
really a cop, are you?
Shut up, of course not.
I hate cops.
You know, my dad was a cop.
Still is, for all I know.
You know, my mom said he was out
chasing pussy, but I'm all like, there's pussy
here in town, you know?
Well, whatever.
He left.
And that's why I hate cops.
We're all sort of cops, you know, which
is the best reason to hate cops.
What the hell is that doing there?
I'm gonna hit it with your brides.
Hit it with my brides, okay.
Oh, gross!
Shut it off!
I'm shutting it off, Jesus.
The place that I trust you finding sword
of righteousness will cut the foul air and
strike the right person, and only the right
person.
Uncle Bill?
Petey.
What a nice surprise.
You okay?
Who, me?
Yeah.
You.
It's been a long time since anyone's asked
me that.
But now that you mention it, no.
I'm not okay.
It was my favorite toy from childhood.
It's supposed to play the drums, but I
think it's stuck.
Would you fix it for me?
It was your grandfather's, you know.
He brought it home from one of his
trips.
He was a pilot.
And he was a Petey, too.
Did you know that?
Hell never tells me anything.
Of course it doesn't.
So this is it, then, huh?
The thing that messed everyone up?
How could it?
It's just a toy.
Why don't you try turning it, hmm?
Probably just need a different touch.
There.
Turning the key is just simply something the
shell-born men have been doing for generations.
It's a tradition, if you will.
But if it's not for you, then it's
not for you.
What does it do?
Turn the key.
See what happens.
You want me to back up?
No.
No fucking way.
Okay, okay, okay.
Is it working?
Man, stupid cop hat.
It's crazy itchy.
What?
Jesus fucking Christ!
Let's be careful with that pistol, huh?
Yeah.
Totally.
Yeah, good.
Holy shit.
Fuck!
Fuck.
Petey, where are you?
Hey.
Petey!
Turn it again.
Turn the goddamn key right now!
What?
No.
Then give me the fucking monkey right now!
That's it.
I'm not asking nicely anymore.
Do it.
Kill him.
Kill my dumb shit brother!
And do it now!
God damn you!
Strike the goddamn truck!
God fucking I command you!
God Jesus God damn it!
God how are you so goddamn strong?
Petey.
Jesus Christ.
Thank God.
Come on.
God damn it!
What did I do wrong?
Christ!
Fuck!
God!
Bill The drumstick's still up, Petey.
Hell of dumb shit.
That's all you can say at a time
like this, you fucker?
Dumb shit's what you are.
Fuck.
You fucker.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
You were really trying to kill me, weren't
you?
Of course I was.
That's what all this carnage was for.
I could have killed Petey.
Could have killed my fucking son.
For what?
Why?
Because you killed my mom.
I know you wanted to kill me.
But the goddamn thing doesn't take requests, obviously.
I've been turning the key.
You've had mine for days.
Nothing.
Listen, Bill.
It's not my fault.
It wasn't anybody's fault.
None of us deserved what happened to us.
It just happened to be there when it
did.
Mommy?
I'm sorry, Bill.
But I guess I gotta go now.
Everybody dies.
And that's life.
I'm sorry your mom died.
It fucking sucks.
I know how you feel.
She was my mom, too.
Oh, yeah.
I guess she was.
Never thought about it like that.
Innocent mistake, I guess.
Sure.
Makes sense, though, you know.
We're brothers.
Twins.
Right?
I'm sorry.
I wish we could have been there for
each other when we were kids.
But we're here now.
What do you say, Bill?
Brothers again.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
So, what?
You two on some kind of road trip
or something?
Yeah.
Father-son road trip, right?
Cool.
I would like to have done that.
With somebody at least once.
So come with us.
Jesus.
Fuck.
So Uncle Bill pretty much wiped out half
the town when you grew up, huh?
Yeah.
You know, I get that everybody dies.
I mean, that's life.
But this is like everybody dies, you know,
at the same time.
So, uh, what do you want to do
now?
I guess we've got to figure out what
we're going to do with the monkey.
We keep it close.
We accept that it's ours and we hold
on tight.
Hey, I just got an idea of what
we should do right now.
Let's go dancing.
Dancing?
Yeah.
Like with our bodies?
Where did that shit come from?
It comes from your grandmother.
From Lois.
Cool.
Yeah, that's cool.